


We're All Lesbians and None of Us Know What to Do

by drainspoon



Series: Newt's Sleep Deprived Crack Collection [2]
Category: Hermitcraft RPF
Genre: Because of Reasons, Crack, Crack Relationships, Enby Wels, Fluff, Fluff and Crack, Fluff and Humor, Gen, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, I Don't Even Know, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I'm Sorry, Memes, Nonbinary Character, Platonic Relationships, Sick Character, Sickfic, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, Useless Lesbians, Why Did I Write This?, can be read as romantic but welsie has a bf s o
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-10
Updated: 2020-09-10
Packaged: 2021-03-06 19:23:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,134
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26364130
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/drainspoon/pseuds/drainspoon
Summary: "How-How does one dress like a lesbian?""You dress like Etho."If he could keysmash outloud, Impulse was 99% sure that he would've, because the surprise hit him like a brick.
Relationships: Wels/Zed, Welsknight Gaming & impulseSV (Video Blogging RPF), Welsknight Gaming/Zedaph (Video Blogging RPF), impulseSV & Tango Tek (Video Blogging RPF), impulseSV & Xisumavoid (Video Blogging RPF), weed ship uwu
Series: Newt's Sleep Deprived Crack Collection [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1923562
Comments: 5
Kudos: 77





	We're All Lesbians and None of Us Know What to Do

_< Xisumavoid> impulse?_

_< Xisumavoid> i'm a bit busy, but wels is sick_

_< Xisumavoid> can you take care of them for me?_

* * *

Now that he stood in front of the knight's house, Impulse seriously regretted agreeing to the request. Why him? Why not one of the other hermits who actually _knew_ Wels? And why had Xisuma been the one to ask? He had so many questions, and so few answers. _It's too late to back down, Impulse! Plus, it can't be_ too _bad. Xisuma would've gotten Stress!_ Unbeknownst to the redstoner, Stress had been the very hermit to suggest him for Wels' care, claiming he had medical knowledge of sorts...

And unbeknownst to the medic, Impulse was a dirty liar.

Impulse cracked open the door to the medieval styled home's (to which the ground nearby was misleadingly unpaved) door, calling out into the quiet building, "Uh, hello? It's, uh, me. Impulse. SV. ImpulseSV. Do you, uh, rem.." He faltered, unsure of if they had ever known him in the first place. Alas, it was too late to stop what he was saying, so he kept going with a notable cringe in his tone. "..ember me?" His hickory brown eyes drifted uncomfortably about the room, and he allowed himself to step fully inside, pushing the wooden door shut behind him.

The soles of his converse clacked lightly against the polished wooden floors which, despite their illness, remained fairly clean, save for loosely wiped mud footprints Impulse could only assume were belonging to Xisuma. As well as the admin was with actual server management, he was absolutely _helpless_ with cleaning. The last time Impulse had stopped by his base, he'd gotten sidetracked for hours just cleaning the place. By the time he actually remembered the reason he'd come by in the first place, Tango had been glitched through a block for half a week. Now that he thought about it, he'd never gotten an answer to how it actually happened. That was besides the point though.

Impulse made his way up the stairs, cautiously peering around every corner just in case--well, he wasn't sure what he was so paranoid about. "Wels?" he drawled out softly as he reached the bedroom arch. A sudden realization hit him and he spun around, knocking his head up and his hands over his eyes. His face flushed as he called out. "A-Are you decent?"

"Mm... yea." He breathed a sigh of relief that was quickly cut short. "Are you?" _What?_

He let his hands drop slowly, twisting his upper body to look into the room to see a widely grinning knight with half lidded eyes and a pink tinted face. The response came strangely naturally, "You tell me." He didn't even understand what he'd meant, but apparently it made enough sense to Wels, because they shot back a reply faster than he expected.

The brunette's eyes flickered up and down their fellow hermit's bodice. Down from his dirt stained converse to the lightly dirtied, thoroughly ripped jeans to his once-white eggshell shirt and finally the black-and-red plaid jacket on his shoulders. They made their decision through the fuzz in their mind, and decisively declared it to their companion (admittedly, they still didn't quite know why he was there). "I fi--I think you look like," they drew out the 'i' and flashed their pearly whites. "Like a big ol' lesbian!"

Impulse choked on his air. Letting out a choir of coughs, he thumped against his throat with his fist. He sputtered, looking bewildered as he stared at Wels like a deer in headlights. "You think, you think I look like a lesbian?" he wheezed, fighting back giggles. "In what way?"

They responded instantly, with no hesitation and the bluntness of a fact, "You dress like a lesbian." Impulse choked.

"How-How does one dress like a lesbian?"

"You dress like Etho."

If he could keysmash outloud, Impulse was 99% sure that he would've, because the surprise hit him like a brick. He stumbled in his words, releasing a cacophony of sounds. Etho? A lesbian? Wels seemed somewhat offended by his confused expression and was quick to slam their hands down on their mattress, fluttering the bed sheets as they cried out a defense, "He's the biggestestest lesbian I know!" The redstoner released an exasperated sigh. "He's, he's got the, uh, he's got the lesbian vibes. Cottagecore, lumberjack lesbian manman."

"What about the _actual_ lesbians?" he inquired, making a face. Wels stayed silent, eyeing him. "...You don't know any lesbians, do you?" They shook their head. He pursed his lips and furrowed his brow. "...I don't know any lesbians either." They fell into duel silence, both contemplating the stunning lack of lesbians in their life. Truly, if someone told him coming here that he would _honestly_ be having a whole conversation about lesbians because of a comment on decency, he wasn't sure if he'd even had come. And yet, here he was, genuinely interested in the discussion. The knight snapped their fingers and he looked over, eyes going momentarily wide.

They turned to him, looking excited. "Does Cleo count? She likes girls!" they exclaimed. He tapped his fingers on the wooden foot board, having at some point made his way onto the bed sheets beside the enby. He made an absentminded hum of contemplation.

"Well, I mean, she's _close_ , but not quite." Wels mumbled a cuss. Silence again, this time with a somewhat dampened mood. If Cleo didn't count as a lesbian, he couldn't think of another woman he knew who could even be considered a lesbian.

They bounced back into their fever induced stupor swiftly. "Iv-If you like goyl-girls! then you're a big ol' lesbian!" They declared, smashing their fist on the wooden board with strangely no recoil. They jabbed a finger in his chest, producing a mixture of a smirk and a sneer. " _You're a lesbian!_ You're an _Etho_!" He choked for what felt like the tenth time that day, but had no time to complain as Wels stumbled to their feet, chanting out in a singsong voice, "Impulse is a lesbian! Impulse is an EEEETHO!"

Impulse stuttered out a retort, confused but willing to fight back. If he was a lesbian, so were they! "You're a lesbian too!"  
  


"I have a boyfriend!" they defended.  
  


Immediately, he countered, "Do you like Stress?"

"Of course!"

"You're a lesbian!"

They placed their head in their hands. "Oh, god... How will I break the news to Zedaph?!" Whatever cursed, bubbling, festering energy that fueled Wels' likely sleep-deprived hullabaloo must've been contagious because minutes later, Impulse was guiding they on how to inform their lover that they were a lesbian. He had no doubt that this was a horrible idea on all ends, but it was too late. The knight inhaled deeply and hit send.

**Author's Note:**

> i was gonna leave the ending open ended but fuck it here's what i planned:
> 
> babe i'm a lesbian  
> shit this isn't dms


End file.
